Again. Some words suddenly come up from who knows where: How To Disappear Completely.
I open up the google page, digit the whole group of words. First result: Radiohead. Ok, Sinchronicity? What are you trying to tell me?
I open youtube and search for the song. I let my mind flow, among the beauty of sounds... I then find the words. They perfectly match with my state of mind.
That there, that's not me I go where I please I walk through walls I float down the Liffey
I'm not here This isn't happening I'm not here, I'm not here
In a little while I'll be gone The moment's already passed Yeah, it's gone
I'm not here This isn't happening I'm not here, I'm not here
Strobe lights and blown speakers Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here This isn't happening I'm not here, I'm not here....
So, now? What's all this about? How do you think you're going to handle it? You know that that was going to happen, somehow. It only was a question of time. Fuck! You are completely disturbed, girl. What do you want from your life? The more it gets closer, the more you become scary. The more it gets far, the more you want it. You turn yourself towards the opposite direction, but you reach out your hand, hoping that someone will catch you and prevent you from escaping. Such a pathetic behaviour! You know it, but can't help it. Damn! You and your stupid day dreaming habits!
The fire in your scars burns every moment a little more. Your face in the mirror has got no mercy. Your hands can't stop. The blood is flowing, but you want more... The pain you feel distracts you from worser thoughts. Only for a few moments, though. When you're done, your eyes turn sadder and the judge in front of you is nodding his big head.
Oh, please, stop invading my territory! I'll disappear, I promise. I am just a fucking fake, who would care? I'll fade and disappear, I'll go back into the darkness that fits me so well. I'll leave you in peace, ok?
The only thought of it makes me nervous. I knew that this was going to happen. Addicted. I shouldn't allow myself to go so mad. But I did. I can't live without it, anymore. It's too late. The pain grows bigger each day and I can't tell anyone. No one could understand. I can barely understand myself. The only thing I know is that I have to write. I have to let my fingers run freely across the keyboard, no matter what they say. It's the only thing that gives me a little peace. A creative flood that never runs dry. What quality concerns, I can't tell. It's just a flood. And I need it to come out, somehow.
Addicted. That's what I am. No freedom for me, at the moment. Just daydreaming, as usual.
Soundtrack: Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely
Text and Voice: Prisma TBFKA MusEum Thanks to Jeff Liles and Radiohead for the inspiration...
...just letting myself drown in a flood of confused emotions, daydreaming with music in my head, as usual. Nothing new under this mid spring sun. Walking in the same old streets that I know so well, I can't stop my mind. Thoughts keep flowing, without control. I can't resist to their strenght. Oh, how I'd wish to have a mind recorder to keep them all, as a permanent memory of what I am, each second of my life. It's maybe the only thing I really let go, without opposing any resistance. All of my life I've been controlling myself any single moment. No, that's wrong. Not all of my life. I once used to be a rebel, self confident little child. Even too selfish, sometimes. One day something changed for good. One day I've become the unsure but strong young woman I am now. Slowly, something I can barely call a monster started growing inside my stomach. And so we now cohabit in the same body. The monster and me. We never talk to eachother, I neither would. I just know I can't lose control. Never. Lose it and you're dead, says the monster! That's the lesson I've learned from him, when all of a sudden everything around me crashed down to the ground and I found myself completely naked in front of the plain truth: I was alone and had to grow quickly, much before than all the others should.
While I was walking along the beach today, three simple words suddenly came up to my mind... Words I had forgotten, words I had held deep inside of me for a long time, completely unaware of them. Crash, Boom, Bang. What the hell means that? I couldn't easily remember at that very moment where these words were coming from. Only a few hours later I got it! It was a song I used to listen to, many years ago. I had completely erased it! It has been a real pleasure to rediscover it. I now only ask myself: why now? What kind of message hides behind this song?
Just looking if there's someone out there. Just feeling strange, trying to fill a void vomiting words in another language. Just testing if the stream-of-consciousness also works in my not-mother-tongue. Just beg your pardon if I make mistakes, you know, I'm not used to write in english. But I'll try. Why am I doing it? Don't really know, but sometimes thoughts in english just come up to my mind and I simply let them flow. Never wrote them down before. Not a single word. But, why not? Let's see what my stupid mind has to say to the world. Maybe something interesting, maybe not. Why should I bother? Just let my fucking bottles float on the edge... of life!
