Again. Some words suddenly come up from who knows where:
How To Disappear Completely.

I open up the google page, digit the whole group of words. First result: Radiohead.
Ok, Sinchronicity? What are you trying to tell me?

I open youtube and search for the song.
I let my mind flow, among the beauty of sounds...
I then find the words. They perfectly match with my state of mind.

That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here....

So, now? What's all this about? How do you think you're going to handle it?
You know that that was going to happen, somehow. It only was a question of time.
Fuck! You are completely disturbed, girl. What do you want from your life? The more it gets closer, the more you become scary. The more it gets far, the more you want it.
You turn yourself towards the opposite direction, but you reach out your hand, hoping that someone will catch you and prevent you from escaping.
Such a pathetic behaviour! You know it, but can't help it.
Damn! You and your stupid day dreaming habits!

The fire in your scars burns every moment a little more. Your face in the mirror has got no mercy. Your hands can't stop. The blood is flowing, but you want more... The pain you feel distracts you from worser thoughts. Only for a few moments, though. When you're done, your eyes turn sadder and the judge in front of you is nodding his big head.

Oh, please, stop invading my territory! I'll disappear, I promise. I am just a fucking fake, who would care? I'll fade and disappear, I'll go back into the darkness that fits me so well. I'll leave you in peace, ok?

The only thought of it makes me nervous. I knew that this was going to happen.
Addicted. I shouldn't allow myself to go so mad. But I did. I can't live without it, anymore. It's too late. The pain grows bigger each day and I can't tell anyone. No one could understand. I can barely understand myself.
The only thing I know is that I have to write. I have to let my fingers run freely across the keyboard, no matter what they say. It's the only thing that gives me a little peace. A creative flood that never runs dry. What quality concerns, I can't tell. It's just a flood. And I need it to come out, somehow.

Addicted. That's what I am. No freedom for me, at the moment. Just daydreaming, as usual.

Soundtrack: Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely

Text and Voice: Prisma TBFKA MusEum

Thanks to Jeff Liles and Radiohead for the inspiration...

2 answers:

Mio said...

Sometimes the days are strangers, sometimes you shout but nobody can hear you and you ask to yourself: "Why none can gather my voice, why...".
Sometimes, in this situations a lyrics pop-up in my mind:"You can be anything you want to be/
Just turn yourself into anything you think that you could ever be/
Be free with your tempo, be free be free/ Surrender your ego - be free, be free to yourself" I have turned on myself just one time in my life. I am scared to fall down again like the last time and hurt myself another time. I aware that now I don't care for my soul but the fear stop me here!
Have a nice week-end Yuki (the name is alright?)
See you an take care!


Yuki said...

It's very hard to fight against our own fears. But we have to, if we really want to live.

Thanks again for your precious words!
Have a nice weekend, too, Mio.

P.S. Yes, the name's correct. ;)